ScanWeek

Tomorrow will be one week since we found out the name, the make-up, and the possibilities of my cancer.  One week that the world has continued to spin and go, and it seems like I just had to take a deep breath and jump back in.  Only with a little heavier heart this time.  I find that my brain is struggling to be 100 percent anywhere.  There's always that part of my brain consumed that says, "How is this going to work out?"  Whether I realize it is doing it or not. Words from the pathology report loom.....focal necrosis, rhabdoid morphology, not other specified, SMARCb1-deficient, eccentric nuclei, neoplastic cells, positive margin.....the list goes on.

"He will cover you with His pinions,

And under His wings you may seek refuge;

His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark."

Psalm 91:4

And the strangest part is to know all of this.  To carry all all of this.  And yet, other than the incision from the first surgery, I am physically fine.  It is so crazy to think I carried an aggressive sarcoma around with me for at least a year and today carry at least some cancer cells from the first surgery.

It's hard to think of it as a fight when you feel fine!  But I am learning, cancer is a silent battle that has many days of waiting.  This Wednesday I will have a PETScan CT, skull to thigh, with and without contrast.  There will be a battle for a clear scan that day.  There will be a battle as I wait to know results.  February 10th I will have a more extensive surgery in the same location.  There will be a battle that day.  And everyday in between will be a battle, physically and emotionally. It's a battle learning to live with cancer gracefully.

"Finally be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might."

Ephesians 6:10

Today is just one of those days where I have had to fight against it being my identity.  I try to keep it from taking over my thoughts and engulfing me.  Tonight I had to get on the treadmill with Elise, even if I was going super slow.  I needed to clear my head.  I needed to do something that I loved before all of this.  (Actually, I just need to attend Danielle's Sticks class or Valarie's Spin class at Glover Fitness!)  I just needed to get back to who I am.  Time to clear my soul and remember who I am.   I am His.  I. Am. His.  So no matter what the scans on Wednesday say, I am His.  No matter if lymph nodes have to be taken, I am His.  No matter if cancer is found somewhere else, and I end up in DART 1 immunotherapy clinical trial, I am His.  No matter if scans come back clear, and we have to walk through Foundation One genetic testing after the surgery, I am His.  No matter what, He has me and it will all work out.

"Our God who we serve is able to deliver us,....

But even if He does not...." Daniel 3:17-18a

He is still good and I am still His.

Some of you have asked how to specifically pray.  

Pray for the battle, whatever it may be, physically or emotionally.

Pray for my family, especially Elise and Warren.  They live it every day as well.

Pray for the scans on Jan. 22 (2:20pm).  The whatever that they show.

Pray for the upcoming surgery (Feb 10) to remove cells from the pathology that showed positive margins.  This surgery will be a tough one in all kinds of ways.

We continue to be so humbled by your prayers, thoughts, calls, texts, cards, and conversations.

Your prayers kept me from falling out of my chair the day I was diagnosed.  
Your prayers helped me jump back on the tilt-a-whirl of life.  

Your prayers help me to cry and walk.

"But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; 

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

that I may tell of all Thy works."

Psalm 73:28