Whatever You Have

Goodness.  It's been exactly 50 days.  50 LONG days since that first appointment.  50 days knowing I had cancer but no clue what kind.  50 days of coming to the end of the day and having faith that, "It is well."

Hwy 270 in OKlahoma.  Warren, Tyler, and I traveled this highway many times 20 years ago seeking the Lord's leading into full-time ministry.  A couple of weeks ago, Warren and I traveled this road again seeking Him about my health.  He's faithful.

"...Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 

It is well, It is well with my soul."

We have been so overwhelmed with the kindness of people praying.  It is so humbling knowing people are praying on our behalf.  And to be honest, I am the one struggling the most with praying.  It's a season I truly understand when scripture says, "...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with  groanings too deep for words."  I want to pray to be completely healed, but have struggled with praying that.  All I have been able to pray is simply-whatever brings YOU glory, Lord.  Whatever.  Warren and I have always prayed that concerning ministry.  And in this situation, I can only pray that.  Whatever, Lord.  Whatever draws people to YOU.  Whatever it takes for people to be drawn to salvation that YOU give.  Whatever draws our family to YOU.  Whatever it takes for me to reflect YOU more.  Whatever.

This.  This is what changes things.  Prayer.

"Pray without ceasing." I Thessalonians 5:17

Since that initial appointment and biopsy, I had surgery.  On December 23, the oncologist removed a 5X4 tumor from my vulva area. Did I just say that out loud?  Leave it to me to have the most awkward cancer.  Definitely does not make good hallway conversation.  It was a hard surgery.

Since that excision of the tumor , I have been in the waiting room of life.  For exactly 3 weeks all I have known is that the tumor showed moderate atypical cells, had poorly differentiated malignancy, and had potential of being sarcoma, lymphoma, melanoma, or carcinoma(less likely).  It has been hard.  The healing from the surgery was hard.  But the waiting may have been even worse.

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Today, we returned to the second floor of UAMS Cancer Clinic.  Like always, I asked Warren if we could take the stairs instead of the elevator.  (Sorry Debbie for taking you the long way down the stairs :)) There's something about that building that takes my breath.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you...." Isaiah 41:10

We got the diagnosis.  The prognosis.  The plan.  We trust Him.

"Trust in Lord with all your heart...." Proverbs 3:5

My tumor is SMARCB1-deficient vulvar sarcoma.  It's a very rare cancer that my gynecological oncologist has only seen a handful of times in his 40 years of medicine.  They removed the tumor with an initial surgery and thought they had good margins, but the pathologist was concerned with an area of the tumor that showed positive margins.  After a review from the tumor board, there will be another surgery on February 10 removing more tissue.  I am also scheduled for a PET scan on January 22 to make sure there are no other affected areas.  Other affected areas would mean some other forms of treatment.  Please pray for a clear PET scan.  Please pray for a successful upcoming surgery.  God continues to provide.  He is near.

It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear,

It's not the road we would have chosen, no.

The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead –

but you're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead.

And I didn't know I'd find you here, in the middle of my deepest fear,

but you were drawing near, you were overwhelming me with peace.

So I lift my voice and sing: "You're gonna carry us through everything!"

You were drawing near, you're overwhelming all my fears with peace.

You say that I should come to you with everything I need.

You're asking me to thank you even when the pain is deep.

You promise that you'll come and meet us on the road ahead.

And no matter what the fear says, you give me a reason to be glad.

And I didn't know I'd find you here, in the middle of my deepest fear,

but you were drawing near me, you were overwhelming me with peace.

So I lift my voice and sing: "You're gonna carry me through everything."

You were drawing near, you're overwhelming all my fear.

Here in the middle of the lonely night, here in the middle of the losing fight,

you're here in the middle of the deep regret, here when the healing hasn't happened yet.

Here in the middle of the desert place, here in the middle when I cannot see your face,

Here in the middle with your outstretched arms, you can see my pain and it breaks your heart.

And I didn't know I'd find you here, in the middle of my deepest fear,

but you were drawing near, you were overwhelming me with peace.

So I lift my voice and sing: "You're gonna carry me through everything!"

And you were drawing near, you're overwhelming all my fears with peace.

Rejoice, rejoice! Don't have to worry about a single thing,

'Cause you were overwhelming me with peace.

Don't have to worry about a single thing! You're gonna carry us through everything.

Overwhelming peace.

Ellie Holcomb-Find You Here

Now we know.  Now we continue to fight.  We continue to pray.  Pray hard for His whatever.  Pray hard for His will.  Pray hard for salvation to arise from this season of struggle.   Pray hard for His healing hand.  And, OH, how eternally grateful we are for your prayers for our family.

"But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength." 

2 Timothy 4:17

Consider the Lilies.