ScanWeek

Tomorrow will be one week since we found out the name, the make-up, and the possibilities of my cancer.  One week that the world has continued to spin and go, and it seems like I just had to take a deep breath and jump back in.  Only with a little heavier heart this time.  I find that my brain is struggling to be 100 percent anywhere.  There's always that part of my brain consumed that says, "How is this going to work out?"  Whether I realize it is doing it or not. Words from the pathology report loom.....focal necrosis, rhabdoid morphology, not other specified, SMARCb1-deficient, eccentric nuclei, neoplastic cells, positive margin.....the list goes on.

"He will cover you with His pinions,

And under His wings you may seek refuge;

His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark."

Psalm 91:4

And the strangest part is to know all of this.  To carry all all of this.  And yet, other than the incision from the first surgery, I am physically fine.  It is so crazy to think I carried an aggressive sarcoma around with me for at least a year and today carry at least some cancer cells from the first surgery.

It's hard to think of it as a fight when you feel fine!  But I am learning, cancer is a silent battle that has many days of waiting.  This Wednesday I will have a PETScan CT, skull to thigh, with and without contrast.  There will be a battle for a clear scan that day.  There will be a battle as I wait to know results.  February 10th I will have a more extensive surgery in the same location.  There will be a battle that day.  And everyday in between will be a battle, physically and emotionally. It's a battle learning to live with cancer gracefully.

"Finally be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might."

Ephesians 6:10

Today is just one of those days where I have had to fight against it being my identity.  I try to keep it from taking over my thoughts and engulfing me.  Tonight I had to get on the treadmill with Elise, even if I was going super slow.  I needed to clear my head.  I needed to do something that I loved before all of this.  (Actually, I just need to attend Danielle's Sticks class or Valarie's Spin class at Glover Fitness!)  I just needed to get back to who I am.  Time to clear my soul and remember who I am.   I am His.  I. Am. His.  So no matter what the scans on Wednesday say, I am His.  No matter if lymph nodes have to be taken, I am His.  No matter if cancer is found somewhere else, and I end up in DART 1 immunotherapy clinical trial, I am His.  No matter if scans come back clear, and we have to walk through Foundation One genetic testing after the surgery, I am His.  No matter what, He has me and it will all work out.

"Our God who we serve is able to deliver us,....

But even if He does not...." Daniel 3:17-18a

He is still good and I am still His.

Some of you have asked how to specifically pray.  

Pray for the battle, whatever it may be, physically or emotionally.

Pray for my family, especially Elise and Warren.  They live it every day as well.

Pray for the scans on Jan. 22 (2:20pm).  The whatever that they show.

Pray for the upcoming surgery (Feb 10) to remove cells from the pathology that showed positive margins.  This surgery will be a tough one in all kinds of ways.

We continue to be so humbled by your prayers, thoughts, calls, texts, cards, and conversations.

Your prayers kept me from falling out of my chair the day I was diagnosed.  
Your prayers helped me jump back on the tilt-a-whirl of life.  

Your prayers help me to cry and walk.

"But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; 

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

that I may tell of all Thy works."

Psalm 73:28

Whatever You Have

Goodness.  It's been exactly 50 days.  50 LONG days since that first appointment.  50 days knowing I had cancer but no clue what kind.  50 days of coming to the end of the day and having faith that, "It is well."

Hwy 270 in OKlahoma.  Warren, Tyler, and I traveled this highway many times 20 years ago seeking the Lord's leading into full-time ministry.  A couple of weeks ago, Warren and I traveled this road again seeking Him about my health.  He's faithful.

"...Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 

It is well, It is well with my soul."

We have been so overwhelmed with the kindness of people praying.  It is so humbling knowing people are praying on our behalf.  And to be honest, I am the one struggling the most with praying.  It's a season I truly understand when scripture says, "...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with  groanings too deep for words."  I want to pray to be completely healed, but have struggled with praying that.  All I have been able to pray is simply-whatever brings YOU glory, Lord.  Whatever.  Warren and I have always prayed that concerning ministry.  And in this situation, I can only pray that.  Whatever, Lord.  Whatever draws people to YOU.  Whatever it takes for people to be drawn to salvation that YOU give.  Whatever draws our family to YOU.  Whatever it takes for me to reflect YOU more.  Whatever.

This.  This is what changes things.  Prayer.

"Pray without ceasing." I Thessalonians 5:17

Since that initial appointment and biopsy, I had surgery.  On December 23, the oncologist removed a 5X4 tumor from my vulva area. Did I just say that out loud?  Leave it to me to have the most awkward cancer.  Definitely does not make good hallway conversation.  It was a hard surgery.

Since that excision of the tumor , I have been in the waiting room of life.  For exactly 3 weeks all I have known is that the tumor showed moderate atypical cells, had poorly differentiated malignancy, and had potential of being sarcoma, lymphoma, melanoma, or carcinoma(less likely).  It has been hard.  The healing from the surgery was hard.  But the waiting may have been even worse.

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Today, we returned to the second floor of UAMS Cancer Clinic.  Like always, I asked Warren if we could take the stairs instead of the elevator.  (Sorry Debbie for taking you the long way down the stairs :)) There's something about that building that takes my breath.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you...." Isaiah 41:10

We got the diagnosis.  The prognosis.  The plan.  We trust Him.

"Trust in Lord with all your heart...." Proverbs 3:5

My tumor is SMARCB1-deficient vulvar sarcoma.  It's a very rare cancer that my gynecological oncologist has only seen a handful of times in his 40 years of medicine.  They removed the tumor with an initial surgery and thought they had good margins, but the pathologist was concerned with an area of the tumor that showed positive margins.  After a review from the tumor board, there will be another surgery on February 10 removing more tissue.  I am also scheduled for a PET scan on January 22 to make sure there are no other affected areas.  Other affected areas would mean some other forms of treatment.  Please pray for a clear PET scan.  Please pray for a successful upcoming surgery.  God continues to provide.  He is near.

It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear,

It's not the road we would have chosen, no.

The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead –

but you're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead.

And I didn't know I'd find you here, in the middle of my deepest fear,

but you were drawing near, you were overwhelming me with peace.

So I lift my voice and sing: "You're gonna carry us through everything!"

You were drawing near, you're overwhelming all my fears with peace.

You say that I should come to you with everything I need.

You're asking me to thank you even when the pain is deep.

You promise that you'll come and meet us on the road ahead.

And no matter what the fear says, you give me a reason to be glad.

And I didn't know I'd find you here, in the middle of my deepest fear,

but you were drawing near me, you were overwhelming me with peace.

So I lift my voice and sing: "You're gonna carry me through everything."

You were drawing near, you're overwhelming all my fear.

Here in the middle of the lonely night, here in the middle of the losing fight,

you're here in the middle of the deep regret, here when the healing hasn't happened yet.

Here in the middle of the desert place, here in the middle when I cannot see your face,

Here in the middle with your outstretched arms, you can see my pain and it breaks your heart.

And I didn't know I'd find you here, in the middle of my deepest fear,

but you were drawing near, you were overwhelming me with peace.

So I lift my voice and sing: "You're gonna carry me through everything!"

And you were drawing near, you're overwhelming all my fears with peace.

Rejoice, rejoice! Don't have to worry about a single thing,

'Cause you were overwhelming me with peace.

Don't have to worry about a single thing! You're gonna carry us through everything.

Overwhelming peace.

Ellie Holcomb-Find You Here

Now we know.  Now we continue to fight.  We continue to pray.  Pray hard for His whatever.  Pray hard for His will.  Pray hard for salvation to arise from this season of struggle.   Pray hard for His healing hand.  And, OH, how eternally grateful we are for your prayers for our family.

"But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength." 

2 Timothy 4:17

Consider the Lilies.